Wanna Help Donnie Baker Goto Hollywood?
Give A Gift That Keeps On Giving (Not Herpes)
I’m making a movie and need y'alls help. I'm calling on you all to lend a hand because for some reason nobody’s buyin’ this damn boat of mine. If you decide to help out, then you rock.
Here’s what I’ll do for you right in your face (see bottom for some nice words from my lawyer):
Thank you Tokens of Appreciation
Free autographed photo mailed to you and in you are put in the running to be picked as an extra in the movie. You could get lucky. Remember, I put the “O” in random!
This one is mainly for the ladies. Now, you can always say you 69’d Donnie Baker. Right to my face! Literally. Free autographed photo. Two donors will be picked to be extras and be part of my extra spank bank. Double the fun at the same time! Just like 69!
This donation matches my S.A.T. score. And it’s also a firm down payment on my boat. Free copy of my latest comedy album “Rear End Spoiler” and 3 donors will be picked at random from this tier to be extras in the movie.
You’ve heard of the 700 club. Well this is basically the same except instead of healers, you’ll be in line to get a tuggie from Patty Ferguson. And trust me, she’s got forearms like Steve Garvey. Plus...Free autographed photo, CD and State Law T-shirt. Plus, you’ll be in the running to be chosen as an extra and possibly win a free trip to Donnie Baker’s Beach Bash Party!
I own a Dodge Ram 1500. And nothing’s tougher than a Ram. You get everything the “500 club” gets plus an autographed DVD copy of the movie and signed movie poster!
This is what being a real Pork Producer is all about. You get all the merch “pork perks” mentioned above PLUS, you’re guaranteed a room for 2 at Donnie Baker’s Beach House And... a small role in the movie PLUS your name in the credits just like Speilburgs. Swear to God! If your phone has 5G’s... then, your wallet prolly does too. We need it! #StateLaw!
You are the next Spielberg's. Hang out on the set. I’ll give you one of those directors chairs with you name on it. If you don’t say too much, you can help the director, until he tells you to “cut”! And you can tell all the ladies you are an associate producer. Chick magnet. You’ll be remembered in Enfamil for your donation on the IMDb page. You also get everything above.
Now here’s some stuff my lawyer said I gotta say.
He’s gotten me outta three driven while porkin' tickets. He knows his stuff.
This ain’t a solicitation for investment. In fact, this ain’t an investment at all because other than being a proud member of Donnie Baker nation, you will not own any part of the movie. You are making a gift to the help me make a my movie, and the donations are not tax deductible. It’s a gift, not an investment. State Law. Remember what someone once said, “It’s better to give than to receive, but when you can do both, it’s a bonus baby.”
What we are giving back are “thank you” tokens of appreciation. They have zero cash value. See number one above, you’re making a gift. All tokens of appreciation are subject to change and have to be at mutually agreeable places and times. Unless otherwise stated, anyone wanting to take their token of appreciation has to pay his or her own travel hotel costs. We ain’t Scorseesee yet. And if the IRS wants something for taxes, that’s between you and the IRS.
Void where prohibited. And that means you Angel Skinners.
Thank you for your gift, and we will do everything we can to make this movie. But stuff happens. So there is a chance that the movie doesn’t get finished. Maybe the Russians hack us. I guess what we’re saying is, there are no promises or assurances that, despite our best efforts, the film hits the airwaves.
Your gifts are non-refundable. We appreciate your generosity, but don’t give more than you can afford. It ain’t a strip club.
This window of giving will be for a limited time only. When we get the money we need, then it’s time to get off the pot.
There, I think I covered it. Any more questions, write or email to: Donnie Baker Movie, 2001 S. Big Bend, St. Louis, Missouri 63117, or